Polarity is a necessary ingredient in sexual attraction, and, although polarity can get quite complex, I have come to realize that, in the context of human relationships (romantic and otherwise) it all boils down to leading and following. In a well-balanced  romantic relationship, you will have a yang (masculine) partner and a yin (feminine) partner, the yang being the leader. For the sake of simplicity, I will say “man” and “woman,” however, note that this is not always the case, nor *should* it be. Any two beings can take on the role of being yang and yin with each other.

This article is about how the yang partner (the more masculine partner) can effectively lead the yin partner (more feminine). This is Part 1; Part 2 will be all about how to tap into your femininity so that you can be the one being led, even by men that might not appear to be naturally ready or willing to lead. In the meantime, I suggest that those desiring to be the yin partner give this a read as well so you can see what the yang partner is experiencing.

This 2-part series on leadership was initially inspired by a comment left in my last article by one smart dude (he happens to be a psychologist who also runs a pick-up meetup in Malaysia). Here is the part of his comment that inspired this article on leadership as a means to become more attractive to women:

I hate the misuse of the term “Alpha” in typical PUA discourse. An “Alpha” by definition is simply and only the leader of a pack. No “pack”? No “alpha” – end of story! In wolves, chimps, hippos, stags…The “Alpha” is the pack leader. Which gives these guys who are all trying to train to be the “Alpha” something of a double bind doesnt it?

The double bind that he speaks of is that if everyone is trying to be the alpha, then there is no one left to be the pack, and this is not a workable model.

However, you don’t actually need to be “leader of the pack” to attract a woman. And, you could be leader of the pack, and still suck at attracting women. I know because I have worked with male clients who kicked ass in leadership positions in their careers, and were respected in their social groups, and yet had zero ability to get a date.

That’s because when women say, “I want a man who can lead” (and women do say this–ALL the time), this is not what they are actually talking about. So if you just learn general leadership skills, you may or may not (probably not) do well with the kind of leadership that the feminine is looking for in a sexual mate.

Career accomplishment is nice, and some women have bought into the idea that it is necessary or, at least, the primary thing to look for in a male partner. However, the deep desire of the feminine is less about seeing her man go out and conquer the world, and more about knowing that her man can conquer her.

As a little girl, I was very much raised to believe that the only men worth marrying were those who were accomplished in their jobs, and as a result, were wealthy. I remember when I was about 12, I walked into a building one day and noticed that the security guard had a wedding ring on. I thought to myself, “Wait, someone married him, even though he doesn’t have a prestigious job.” After this, I went through a phase where I got obsessed with looking to see if men in blue collar jobs were wearing rings. I saw them everywhere: the fish monger at the grocery store, the floor worker at Walgreens, the parking garage attendant. I grew determined to figure out what really had women choose their mates, if not money, career prestige, or that “status” that pick-up artists are so fond of emphasizing as THE panty-dropping thing to attain.

Fast forward to my current relationship. My fiance is a leader in his career. He teaches seminars, and commands the attention of hundreds of people while on stage. When he does individual coaching with clients, he is compassionate, yet firm, as he guides them to deeper understanding and transformation. So, you can imagine my dismay when, after the honeymoon phase of our relationship was over, I saw him become very passive around me. I couldn’t understand why the same man who could be such a strong leader with others would let me push him over with the slightest pout-and-whine routine.

However, as we grew together through that experience, we both learned a valuable lesson: where he was most afraid to lead was with his woman, because this is where it takes the most courage. There is much more emotional vulnerability in properly leading your feminine partner than there ever will be in managing employees at work or teaching students, no matter how much you care about those others who may look up to you. For this reason, many men shy away from leading the one person that would make the biggest difference in your masculine strength: your woman. And, if you do not have the courage to lead your woman, than you are also not able to fully lead yourself.

In other words, forget about leading “the pack.” You don’t need to trail into the club with an entourage. You don’t need to be in charge of anyone except for yourself. And her. A woman only cares if you are able to lead those two people: you, and her.

I have heard that it is a very common experience for men to be in control of themselves and their lives when they are single. When there is no woman around, they are able to easily focus on getting all other aspects of their lives handled: they’re successful, healthy, and able to do everything they want to do. These same men, as soon as they get a female partner, suddenly let everything fall by the wayside. They struggle to stay on top of their work, they skip going to the gym, they let their friendships and family relationships suffer. Sometimes they break up with these women so that they can get themselves “back on track.” Other times, they stay with these women, but over time resent them more and more (which puts a strain on the relationship and makes both people bitter).

Why does this happen? Because the yin partner is designed to find the yang partner’s weak spots. Men complain about women whining, bitching, moaning, and testing them. This is not the sign of a manipulative or psycho woman; this is the nature of the feminine doing her job. Have you ever had a doctor push on different parts of your body and ask, “Does it hurt here? What about here?” Just as the doctor is doing this to figure out where you are hurting so you can then take steps to heal, the yin partner will push your buttons because she wants to help you grow so you can be an even stronger leader.

There are some women who are dull, passive, and/or immature, and these women might let their man get away with being less than his best self. But to win the heart of a woman who is smart, sexy, and truly feminine, a man needs to be able to lead himself through his own life. He needs to be able to do this even when she pokes at his deepest, darkest fears.

You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. You can’t order a woman around and expect that to work. Yes, you might force her to do something by holding a gun to her head, but this is hardly leadership, and certainly not what turns a woman on. Leading is not controlling her. Leading a woman is being so in control of yourself and your own life that she can’t help but want to follow you, in the hopes that you will apply some of that control to help her lead her life in a better way, too.

By the way, nowhere in this equation is the necessity of a “pack.”

The following is a list of some leadership principles that you can apply to yourself and the woman(women) in your life that you have and want as sexual partners. These can be applied to other contexts as well, and note that these are not meant to be an “effective management manual” so much as they are the core principles that will make you attractive to the feminine.

1. Integrity

One of the dictionary definitions of integrity is being “undivided, a whole.” A sense of completeness. A building that has an unshakeable foundation can be said to have integrity; the same is true for a person with an unshakeable foundation.

Another way to put this is, simply, do what you say you’re going to do. A person who says he wants to get in control of his health, and then devours a pint of ice cream in one sitting, is not acting with total integrity. I used that example on purpose, by the way, because integrity goes way beyond morals and ethics. There isn’t really anything morally wrong with eating a pint of ice cream, and it is still out of integrity for the person who claims he wants to lose weight.

There is an interesting phenomenon that I noticed in my own relationship: what didn’t bother me when I was single became a VERY BIG DEAL in my relationship, especially if it was something I knew was important to my man. For example, in our house, we have a coffee table with a shelf underneath it. This was my coffee table in my own place before we lived together, and when it was my coffee table, the shelf underneath was basically a dumping grounds for anything and everything, and it looked like a mini junkyard of paper and trinkets. When we moved in together, my fiance said that he wanted that shelf to be kept clean, and was very clear that only certain things belonged there, and that we were not to put anything else under the shelf. I agreed. However, he would sometimes leave junk on that shelf, particularly when he was tired or in a bad mood, and whenever I saw it, I would become livid. I even screamed at him about it a couple of times. Why? I didn’t care about the actual mess. I was upset because it was a sign of his lack of integrity.

This would have also been the case if he had said he wanted the shelf cleared, and was being really anal about it, when deep down he didn’t really care about what went on the shelf. Either way, there is a lack of alignment between word and action.

As we worked to create greater, and healthier polarity in our relationship, we both became aware of how little those things mattered. It was not about the thing, it was about my craving to see more yang in him. The more yang he embraced, the less I cared to nag him about the shelf (or anything else, for that matter).

I would be willing to bet that 99% of the things that a woman has ever nagged, teased, and tested you about had nothing to do with the thing, and everything to do with testing your integrity. Another word for integrity is congruency; yet another word would be authenticity. How whole are you, and how easily can you act from a place of authenticity, rather than a place of insecurity.

That’s not to say that sometimes women freak out because of their own wounds, and lack of integrity, and it’s still important to listen to the feedback. Your leadership ability is only as strong as your ability to walk your talk and keep your word.

2. Knowing and Following Your Purpose

Knowing and following your life purpose is one of the biggest distinguishers between the men and the boys. Your life purpose goes way beyond just your career. It might actually have nothing to do with your source of income. Your life purpose is why you are here on this earth.

If you don’t know what that is, take steps to figure it out. Journal about what you are most passionate about. My friend Brian Whetten wrote this great article about how to find your life purpose, and become prosperous in it.

If you do know what your purpose is, follow it. This is the most important way that you can practice integrity.

Earlier in the article I talked about career and status not being very important. It’s actually a little bit more complex than that. While those things are not important by themselves, if your purpose involves achieving them, then they will become important to the women that you’re with. So wealth by itself is not important to the feminine (unless she’s a gold digger, but that is not authentic femininity), and if your life purpose involves accruing massive amounts of wealth, than you will have a difficult time attracting women until you pursue and actualize that purpose. Same is true for “status,” and even being a leader in your career. It only matters to her if it is your purpose.

If you are meant to lead thousands of people and you are cleaning toilets, then your woman will look down on you because of it. If you are meant to clean toilets, and you are working a high status job because that’s what you think makes you a “real man,” then your woman will look down on you because of it. If you are meant to clean toilets, and you are cleaning toilets, than your woman will respect you, because you are living your purpose.

3. Responsibility

Take responsibility for your life and everything in it. Notice when you have thoughts of believing that someone else is responsible for something, or that it’s their fault, and that things aren’t fair. These are the kinds of thoughts that demonstrate a lack of ability to take ownership for what’s yours, and to take responsibility for getting the results that you want.

You can either have reasons for why you don’t have what you want, for why you aren’t able to live with integrity in your purpose, or you can have results. Reasons are excuses. If you want to step into a powerful leadership role, get rid of your excuses for why you can’t or won’t do what’s necessary to get results.

Taking responsibility means taking responsibility for your purpose, your relationship with your woman, and anything else that belongs to you, like, for example, any children that you have. This is why it doesn’t work for a man whose purpose is to be a musician to strum on his guitar all day while his woman works 2 jobs to feed the family. Yes, he is living part of his purpose, but he isn’t taking care of everything that is his responsibility. This is why it’s important to remember that your purpose does not necessarily have to be your main source of income.

Where in your life do you make excuses about not having the time, the money, the resources? Where do you feel like other people, or “society,” makes things impossible for you? And, most importantly, do you ever shirk your responsibilities onto your woman? Even if she can be “needy,” Is her neediness really the reason why you haven’t gone to the gym in awhile? Seeing where you make excuses is how you will become aware of how you can take responsibility for making a change.

By the way, taking responsibility does NOT mean that you have to do everything all by yourself. If you are having trouble managing money, hiring someone to do it for you is still taking responsibility for getting it done. You don’t need to be a superman who does everything, but you do need to handle everything in your own life if you want your woman to look up to you.

4. Action

Take action to follow your purpose. Your purpose is a lifelong path, not a one-time deal that you achieve. You will reach milestones along the way. The main point here is: are you doing, or just talking about doing?

Talking about what you’re going to do and not doing it is a form of a lack of integrity.

More than that, though, taking action is about being the kind of person that, when seeing a problem, does something to try to fix it rather than wait on the sidelines for someone else to do something. For example, if you are walking down the street, and you witness a car accident, do you go over and see if everyone’s ok? Or do you think, “Wow, those cars just crashed!” and then keep walking. (Or worse, do you post a picture on FaceBook and then keep walking).

Here’s a more morbid example: the murder of Kitty Genovese, where there were several witnesses (some say 38, others dispute this number but confirm that there were at least some) who all watched her get stabbed to death, without a single person intervening to help.

Don’t assume that someone else will take care of it. Especially don’t assume that your woman will take care of it (whatever “it” might be). Take care of it yourself, or, if you are not able to, at least find out if there is something you can do. Leaders do not ignore problems entirely or stick their head in the sand and hope they will go away.

5. Set Strong Boundaries

Last, but not least, leaders set good boundaries. I have already written an entire article on how to set good boundaries here.

What I will add to that here is that the reason why this is especially important in a sexual dynamic is that boundaries are one of the main things that turns a woman on. Women loooooooove to test their masculine partners to see if they have strong boundaries, and while it might seem like they are trying to get their way about something, what they are really craving is the feeling of rubbing up against a firm, hard, strong boundary. This doesn’t mean that you should say no to things unnecessarily, but do not compromise yourself, ever, no matter how much of a fit she throws.

So, if I were to sum up this article, I would sum it up by saying: learn to lead yourself through your own life, and women will naturally want to follow you on your path.

Both have inspired a bit of a rant about some of the false ideas that we have about our sexual ancestry, and what it means for us in the dating world today.

I’ll preface this rant by saying I’m not an anthropologist, so I don’t have an answer to offer of what really happened in caveman times. This rant is primarily about the use of unproven theories to “prove” other theories, which is a practice that runs absolutely rampant in the dating advice world as well as in the pop psychology world in general.

Just to be clear, I have no problem with any individual’s personal philosophy about how to attract a mate. Dating is something that we all do, and if someone thinks they have an insight to share about how to do it better, then I believe that insight should be shared.

I also think it’s important to study where we came from. I personally have been very inspired by the Paleo movement, and have enjoyed significantly better health by changing my diet, movement, and sleep habits as a result of “going Paleo.”

However, what drives me nuts is when I see people trying to “validate” their personal discoveries with shoddy evolutionary theories to make themselves sound smarter (“See, the science that I didn’t really consult appears to agree with me!”). Counterintuitively to most, this behavior is not using science and reason to better our understanding of the world and how it works; this is hiding behind scientific sounding ideas because one is not courageous enough to present their own ideas and experiences as “proof enough” that they are worth sharing.

Hence, the rant.

This is a similar rant to the one that I wrote awhile ago about When Dating Advice Becomes Dogma, where I discussed what happens when people believe a piece of advice so religiously that it hinders, rather than helps, their ability to improve their own situation.

The idea that our ideas about our ancestors’ mating habits, though deeply ingrained in our culture, could actually be totally inaccurate, first came my way when I read a fantastic book called Sex at Dawn. In it the authors debunk many ideas about how we’ve thought of prehistoric times, including (but not limited to) the notion that humans are meant to pair-bond monogamously, and that jealousy and possessiveness are natural biological urges based on sexual selectiveness.

Believing false ideas about “caveman times” can have a similar effect as buying into “dating advice dogma.” The problem with buying into false ideas of how we are wired, based on where we evolved from, is that it can create limited ideas about what’s possible in the dating world today. And, as you’ve probably heard me say a million times before, limiting beliefs are one of the worst culprits for keeping awesome people single and lonely.

Here are 3 of the paleo-mythic ideas that skew our idea of how modern-day dating and mating is supposed to occur:

1. The Men Hunted and the Women Gathered 

I once heard someone say something about why men don’t like to talk as much as women do: it’s because hunters have to be quiet or they will scare away animals, but gatherers needed a way to pass the time while berry picking. I remember thinking, “Um…that sounds like someone just made that up…”

Anyway, curiosity sparked a bout of googling to find the answer to this question: what is the anthropological evidence that supports the idea that men were the ones who hunted, and women were the ones to gather fruits and vegetables? (Another version of this is that the men went out for food, while the women stayed at home cooking and tending to babies).

Apparently I’m not the only one to ever ask this question. 

 As The Naked Scientists point out,

“Well the answer is, we don’t really know.  It’s something that palaeontologists have argued over and argued over for years and years, and years…finding that in the archaeological record is actually really difficult because you’d have to have a certain group of people fossilised along with the job they were doing, and you’d have to have it repeated over and over to show that it was happening in this society.”

In other words, we don’t really know, and it’s very difficult to find out.

But that hasn’t stopped a whole bunch of pop psychology articles referencing this gender divided hunting and gathering phenomenon as being responsible for things like how we shop in malls, the difference in male and female perception abilities, and, of course, those pesky gender differences that make men and women supposedly unable to understand what the other is thinking.

In hunter-gatherer tribes that exist today, there is not always this kind of division of labor. Women will often be hunting right alongside the men (who will also be gathering wild produce).

Plus, I personally have to wonder why it wouldn’t make more sense for berry-gathering women to also carry spears on hand just in case a deer wandered by the berry patch. But perhaps I’m overthinking it.

Again, this doesn’t mean this gender division of labor didn’t happen. Perhaps it did. The absence of concrete information doesn’t prove anything other than that there is no information to prove something. I’m not making any scientific claims about the past; I’m merely pointing out that with the absence of definitive information, it’s not useful to base your ideas about how men and women function today on potentially faulty information.

So why does this men hunting/women gathering idea bug me so much? Because it comes not from scientific evidence, but from sexist attitudes–attitudes about gender difference that have evolved (pun intended) from man hunt, woman gather… to man approach and want sex, woman test and not give up sex right away. Or, man ask woman to dinner, man pay if not want to be considered cheap. Or man sleep with woman same night, he is stud, woman sleep with man on first date, she is slut. Or man work, provide for family, woman stay home with kids.

None of these other ideas of “job description by gender” actually serve us; they only serve to divide us. And while I would never claim that men and women are identical in mentality and desires, they are both certainly capable of executing more than one daily task.

By the way, I do absolutely believe in the need for polarity, the need for both a yin and a yang, in every romantic duo; however, I don’t believe that it *should* have to correlate to physical gender. Polarity is created by one person behaving in a masculine way with another behaving in a feminine way. If it were created by physical gender alone, then sparks would fly simply by having any man stand next to any woman, and that is definitely not what happens in real life.

So the next time you catch yourself thinking, “the man should…” or “the woman should…” just remember, it really doesn’t matter who hunts and who gathers, as long as you both get to feast together in the end.

2. Men are Horny Creatures Who Want to Spread Their Seed, and Women are Choosy Creatures Who Need to Protect Their Precious Wombs Because They Will Be “Saddled” with the Responsibility of a Child.

That might be true today, but that doesn’t mean it was true of the past. Again, I must reference Sex at Dawn. In this excerpt, the authors state that, “ ‘Judging from the social habits of man as he now exists’ is anything but a reliable method for understanding prehistory (though admittedly, Darwin had little else to go on). The search for clues to the distant past among the overwhelming detail of the immediate present tends to generate narratives closer to self-justifying myth than to science.”

Women are sexual creatures.

Until recently in our history, they were considered the more sexually insatiable of the genders, as is discussed in this article.

Now, I can already hear the protests of, “But Liz, women don’t want sex as much as men do today!” Want, I’m not sure about that (who knows what desire someone has inside?). Go after, or seem to need, as much as men? Well, that does seem to be true.

And again, many people try to explain this with hacked-together theories about our biology, when it could just as easily be culturally influenced, not biological.  The need for societal approval runs so deep in most of us that it can easily be mistaken for a “natural instinct.”

Take away societal pressure, and personal, emotional inhibitions, and most women will awaken into incredible sexually expressive creatures (at least, this is what I’ve noticed when I’ve been to pole dancing classes ).

What about the fact that women will be potentially “saddled with the burden of a child,” should she engage in sex?

Being a single parent in today’s world is indeed a huge responsibility. However, consider that in a bonobo style tribal culture, where everyone is looking out for everyone else’s kids and there really is “a village,” there might not have been such thing as a single parent.

This article on www.thedailybeast.com, by Jared Diamond, discusses how tribal and hunter-gatherer parenting practices differ greatly from modern Western parenting practices, including the fact that many people besides the biological parents are caring for the child.

“Hunter-gatherer mothers share care of infants with fathers and allo-parents, including grandparents, aunts, great-aunts, other adults, and older siblings.” –Diamond 

In a society where there are plenty of people around to share the responsibility of child-rearing, a woman would not have to worry about being the sole caretaker, even if the biological father did skip town to the next tribe.

So, the narrative that  women are going to be super overprotective of their wombs until a man proves he will commit and provide might be more modern day fiction than biological fact. And, I will say it again: I’m not making any scientific claims about the past; I’m merely pointing out that with the absence of definitive information, it’s not useful to base your ideas about how men and women function today on potentially faulty information.

3. Women Want the Biggest and Strongest, for He is the Alpha Male

This was recently addressed in this article, by Andrew on Evolvify (this is one of the 2 that inspired the rant), so I had to include it in this discussion, because this is probably the most damaging belief to male self esteem out of the three.

To summarize the article, in more ancient cultures, men who tried to dominate the others were often “cut down” and ostracized, and equality in the tribe was prized. The idea that women want the alpha male, and that this comes from our biological background, is a pick-up-industry myth.

What does that mean about today’s dating environment?

This one is tricky because women are often attracted to an alpha male of the group! But, are they attracted to the alpha male because he’s the alpha male? Or are they attracted to the alpha male because he has certain qualities that make him “alpha”? Again, this is my personal theory, but I think it’s the latter.

In the article, Andrew cites studies that found humor and intelligence as the foremost qualities that women find attractive, NOT the ability to be physically dominant.

Ok, wait, what exactly is an alpha male? If we are to believe that the traditional caveman narrative, then the alpha male is the biggest and the strongest, and therefore can dominate the other males (which, by the way, may or may not be historically accurate, but let’s say that it is right now). If this is true, then brutish muscle men who can kick the shit of out of everyone else, and who start fights, and control and domineer over women, would be respected as kings and leaders in our society.

In reality, we still have structures in place to keep signs of dominance to a minimum, just like the did in tribal times. Why else would there be bouncers at a club, if not to throw out the dude trying to start a fight, so that everyone else can keep happily grinding away on each other on the dance floor? For that matter, why are there policemen?

No, I believe that what has happened is that the definition of “alpha male” has changed, and today it simply means someone who is a natural leader. Well, what kinds of things makes someone a leader in today’s culture? Social attributes like–you guessed it–humor and intelligence.

Now, if you just had the thought, “Wait, but physical looks and big, strong musculature do make a difference,” yeah, you are right about that, and that probably has more to do with good health being an important part of physical attractiveness than big muscles being attractive because it means you have the ability to beat other, smaller people up and take their lunch money.

(And, before you go crazy in the comments, I will say it a 3rd time: I’m not making any scientific claims about the past; I’m merely pointing out that with the absence of definitive information, it’s not useful to base your ideas about how men and women function today on potentially faulty information).

Today’s sought after males did not become respected as “alpha” because they dominated the group. They probably came to be respected as “alpha” because other men admired them (again, mostly for their humor and intelligence!). The reason why other men look up to these alphas is the same reason why women want to fuck them: because they possess the social skills known and humor and intelligence.

I believe that strength, which is also an important part of being masculine, means something different today than it might have in the past–these days it’s less about wrestling a bison to the ground with your bare hands and more about strength of character, such as conducting yourself with congruency, taking action, and demonstrating emotional maturity.

So where does this rant leave us?

Do. What. Works.

If something works, then it works, and it doesn’t really matter if the reason why it works has to do with some kind of deep primal habit that was passed down for centuries. If it works today, then you can use it–today.

The reason why I choose to eat a paleo diet is not because that’s what my ancestors did; it’s because doing so gives me less stomach aches.

It’s wonderful to understand the past, but you don’t need it to inform your decisions about what you’re doing to do right now. We live in a modern world. The paleo diet that I enjoy now is hardly like the ones that my stone age predecessors ate, as I’m pretty sure that they were not making kale chips in a dehydrator and ordering their steaks online.

Similarly, our tribal ancestors never had to learn how to flirt through text message.

Besides, there are many choices I’ve made that are not traditionally “paleo,” such as being in a monogamous relationship.

In other words, if you’re happy and successful when it comes to attracting a mate, then who cares if it’s what your primal ancestors did? The past is only there to learn how to be successful in the present. If you’re already successful in the present, then keep doing it because it’s working for you.

P.S. Each one of these 3 paleo-myths could be it’s own PhD research project; for the sake of simplicity, I haven’t included absolutely everything that could be said about them. Please feel free to leave additional studies and thoughts in the comments! However, remember that the point of this article is not to make definitive claims about what happened or didn’t happen in the past–it is simply to remind you to enjoy dating in the present without worrying about the past.

P.P.S. My fiance suggested that if this article sparked some curiosity in you and you want further resources about this kind of thinking, this article and this article might be of interest to you.

Have you ever had someone lead you on? You could swear they were flirting with you! But as soon as you made a move or made your interest more explicit, they said, “Hey, no, I don’t think of you that way.”

This is a really frustrating experience, not just because you are getting turned down, but because what you thought was happening between you and another person, they are saying did not happen.

What is going on? Was it all in your head? Did you misread the signals?

Maybe. Maybe not. Many of my clients have expressed a belief that they are “bad at reading flirting signals,” but this is rarely the actual case.

What about the flip side? Have you ever had someone you thought of as a friend ask you out, and you thought, where did that come from?

Have you ever been accused of leading someone on, when you didn’t have an interest in them? (I’ve been on this side of the equation, too).

The problem with having someone lead you on, or leading someone on, is that it messes with your ability to find a real connection with someone you are actually interested in who is interested in dating you too. Engaging in a “leading on” situation, regardless of which side of it you’re on, will always leave you a little unfulfilled, because it’s not possible to get everything you want from that particular person.

I used to believe that there was no such thing as leading someone on. I am of the opinion that you are in charge of your interpretations of outside events, and that if you interpret a friendly interaction as sexual, when it wasn’t intended that way, that’s on you. The other person didn’t “do” anything do you.

However, while that’s true, I’ve come to realize that it’s not so simple, and that there is definitely such a thing as leading someone on.

What does it mean to ‘lead someone on’? Leading someone on is pretending to offer them something that you have no intention of actually offering. There are many ways to lead people on outside of the context of dating; a boss could lead an employee on with the promise of a promotion, for example. In the context of dating, though, the thing being offered is usually going to be sex.

This is the point in the article where I need to put in a rape prevention disclaimer: Just because someone flirts with you, that does NOT mean that they now owe you sex. Even if someone is leading you on, that doesn’t ever give you the right to violate their body.

Also, there is a difference between leading someone on, and someone changing their mind. Leading someone on is pretending to offer something that you have no intention of offering. Changing your mind is initially intending to offer it (as in, flirting because you are sexually interested), and then later on, for whatever reason, deciding you do not want to have sex. If someone changes their mind, that does NOT mean they were leading you on.

Why would somebody lead someone on? Well, it’s not because some people are cruel, evil, or manipulative. Most of the time, it is unconscious, which is why they might act surprised if you make a more overt move like asking them out. Or, even if they did they know what they were doing, they probably feel conflicted and guilty about it, the same way that someone might feel guilty after overindulging in junk food when they are trying to stick to a healthy diet. Everyone has probably led someone on accidentally at some point in their lives.

Flirting happens in the moment, and is a way of two people building up energy between them. If you’ve ever been bored at a party until someone started flirting with you, then you know what I’m talking about. Flirting can be a nice pick me up, just like a strong cup of coffee, and many people flirt with others as their way to get a little energy boost.

When I was in college, there was a guy in one of my classes who would always flirt with me. Even though I wasn’t interested in him, I flirted back because I enjoyed it. One day, he asked me out, and I politely turned him down. The next time I saw him in class, he did not flirt with me. I was disappointed, and even tried to flirt with him a little bit, but he just had a look on his face like, “What are you doing? You said you weren’t interested in me.” I realized that I was trying to keep his interest in me, even though I wasn’t interested in dating him, because the attention felt good. But, that wasn’t fair to him.

If you show interest in someone, they may not be interested in dating you, but they might be interested in the nice shot of energy you provide by engaging in flirtations with with them. This is one of the reasons why people in committed relationships flirt outside of their relationship– they are looking for people to help fill in the energy gaps. This is especially true if their relationship is lacking good polarity or sexual energy.

Even people who have the best of intentions, and generally conduct themselves with integrity, can have moments of weakness when they are going through a tough time. It probably comes as no surprise to you that the reason why that guy was at the bar that night was because he and his girlfriend had had a fight, and he was looking for a way to “blow off steam.” When we met for coffee 2 days later, he and his girlfriend had made up, and he was likely regretting his actions and trying to cover them up. Not the most honorable of moves, but it doesn’t make him an evil jerk, either.

Here’s another example: a friend of mine, when he found out that his longterm girlfriend had been cheating on him, called up another one of our close female friends for support and to ask her advice about what he should do. At one point in the conversation, he said, “I can’t imagine being with anyone except [my girlfriend.] Well, except maybe you.” This was a bit awkward, especially since this friend happens to be married. However, he didn’t say that to break up a marriage. He didn’t even do it to get sex. He was probably just doing it because it helped him feel a little bit better during a time when he was feeling very vulnerable and powerless in his own relationship.

So while it can feel really crappy when someone leads you on, it’s not a reason to get angry at them. They are probably doing it unconsciously. More importantly, they are not doing it because they have power, they are doing it because they are lacking some “power” somewhere in their lives, and they are grasping at a way to feel better. Again, I must stress that the majority of the time, they are not aware of what’s going on, so calling them out will only be awkward and unproductive.

However, if you felt there was a flirtation, you’re probably right, even if it might not be the best idea to say so. Like I said, I have a lot of clients tell me that they think they are bad at reading signals because they had had people flirt with them, and then turn them down. In most cases, though, their instincts were correct, and they were picking up on the flirting–even when the person leading them on wasn’t doing it consciously or on purpose! In other words, if you thought someone was flirting with you, they probably were on some level.

What should you do if you think someone is leading you on? Well, there are a couple of options. The first one is to enjoy the flirtation, without expectation about where it will go. The energy flow of flirting is a 2-way street; you can benefit just as much as they do when you let go and have fun with it.

The other option is to make your interest more explicit. If they are interested in you, and haven’t been saying anything about it, maybe they were waiting for you to make the first move (this can be the case regardless of gender, so don’t assume!). However, if they were leading you on, then they will have to admit that they are not interested.

If they keep flirting with you after they turned you down, you can either enjoy it (see option #1), or not flirt back and force the friend zone by keeping all interactions strictly friendly and not bantering back at any flirtation attempts.

What if you think you might be the one leading someone on?

Well, first of all, there is such a thing as a harmless flirtation; bantering with a cashier or while crossing the street is a great way to make yourself, and someone else, feel a little happier for the day. This usually doesn’t mean you’re leading someone on, because, depending on context, it’s mostly understood that this is meant to be a lighthearted, one-time interaction.

Leading someone on tends to happen when you either engage with someone for a long time (like talk to them for hours at a party), or for repeated encounters over time.

Then it’s time for a little self-reflection. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, it’s possible that you’re doing this because something is missing, and you’re trying to get what you can from an easy source, rather than finding it from a more emotionally beneficial source. Carrying on flirtations with someone more than once, if you don’t want to date them, is a form of pretend partnership, which can distract you from forming real partnerships.

This is especially true if you’ve had someone hang around and keep asking you out, and you are wondering, “Why can’t they get the message that I’m not interested?” While some people are just dense, or dangerous stalkers, the majority of people who persist are those who are being led on–being fed just enough crumbs to keep up hope.

Here are some examples:

• A woman who says she just wants to be friends, but let’s him constantly pick up the tab, and asks him for “boyfriend-type” favors.
• A man who “felt bad” for his ex, so kept helping her out with favors when she needed it.
• Flirting with someone that you’ve already turned down, especially if you see them with someone else.
• Saying that you never want to see or speak to your ex again, then constantly responding to their messages.
• A man flirting with one woman to make her friend jealous (if he’s really interested in the friend)

It’s not really fair to have someone play the part of sexual or romantic interest for you unless you are actually interested in them.

What if you weren’t leading them on…can you still be friends with someone who is interested in more? If you were treating them like a friend the entire time, and you want to keep being their friend, keep doing what you’re doing! Like I said in the beginning, everyone is responsible for their own feelings. You should not feel bad about not wanting to date them as long as you weren’t taking advantage of the energy boost you were getting from their interest in you.

(If they don’t want to be friends or spend as much time, though, let them go. They get to decide not to be interested in friendship just as much as you get to decide you’re not interested in dating).

The next time you catch yourself in one of these situations, ask yourself, “What am I getting out of this?” A big part of preventing either being led on, or leading someone on, is having greater emotional awareness of yourself and your motivations.

It matters because how you motivate yourself plays a huge role in what kind of dating life you have. For example, have you ever heard of the yo-yo diet? Where someone loses a lot of weight, only to gain it back and more, lose it again, gain it again…and so on? Did you know that there’s such a thing as a relationship yo-yo diet? (If you’ve ever had a hard time letting go of an ex, or you kept picking the same kind of failed relationship over and over again, then you might be on a relationship yo-yo diet!).

The question of the carrot or the stick comes down to internal conflicts. If you’ve ever suffered from any kind of gnawing internal conflict about dating and relationships (and if you haven’t, then congratulations on reaching enlightenment!), then you are probably not using the most effective kind of motivation to get you where you want to be.

In Part 1 of Relationship Values, I discussed the importance of figuring out what your values are, because they influence what and who you are already attracting to you, as well as what kind of relationship will make you the happiest. I also gave instructions on how to elicit your own personal relationship values; I recommend going back through Part 1 and listing your values if you haven’t already done so.

Once you do have your list of relationship values, and you’ve listed them in order from most to least important to you, now it’s time to examine what’s motivating these values.

In Part 1, we discussed how the hierarchy of your values determines the kind of relationships you will attract. Sometimes we have accrued values that don’t always support us getting what we want. Why does that happen? Because of what’s motivating those values, and that’s what we are going to look at in Part 2.

There are two ways that we are motivated: “Away-From” motivation, and “Towards” motivation.

Away-from motivation is when you are motivated to move away from what you do NOT want. For example:

• I do NOT want to be lonely
• I’m frustrated by NOT having regular sex
• I’m tired of dating the wrong people

One of my all time favorite examples comes from a client who wrote “no bullshit” on her list when we were eliciting her relationship values.

Another way to think of away-from motivation is that it is the “stick” of punishment. You are motivated to avoid pain.

Away-from motivation can be a great way to get things moving, especially once you hit that threshold known as rock bottom. It can light a fire under your ass and get you excited about making changes!

However, away-from motivation also produces inconsistent results over time. This is what causes the yo-yo diet. Some examples of relationship yo-yo diets are: going back and forth with an ex, going back and forth between two types of partners, or being conflicted about whether or not you want a committed, long-term relationship.

Why does away-from motivation produce such inconsistencies? Because the more progress you make toward the goal of less pain, the less pain you feel and therefore the less motivation you have. Once the pain goes away, so does the motivation to keep things going in that direction.

If you’re in an unhappy relationship, there is pain motivating you to get out. You break it off. At first it feels great! But after awhile the pain you felt from arguing all the time isn’t there anymore, and the pain of being alone IS there. Now you are motivated to go back to your ex, because you miss them. Once you’re back together, you start fighting….and back and forth the cycle continues.

This does not make away-from motivation wrong or bad; it’s just important to be aware of its yo-yo effect.

Towards motivation, on the other hand, is when you are motivated to move towards what you DO want. It is going after the reward, or “the carrot,” (as opposed to avoiding the punishment).

For example:

• I want to meet someone I really connect with
• I want to have lots of incredible sex
• I want a happy, healthy relationship

Towards motivation produces much more consistent results over time. Which means that if you want some kind of consistency in your results (whether that’s a long-term relationship that lasts, or a consistent flow of fun, sexy one-night stands), you will be better able to achieve that by shifting how you are motivated.

When you are motivated towards something, you are consistently motivated to make it happen. For example, if someone truly values good health, they will always be motivated to continuously move towards being healthy, even once they have lost weight and kicked any diseases. Same is true for relationships; whatever causes you to be motivated towards having a certain kind of relationship, you will be motivated to KEEP that going even once you have it.

Once again this is not to say that away-from motivation is never useful, just that it has been that motivating yourself by moving towards what you do want tends to work better in the long run.

Your unconscious mind cannot process a negative. That is to say, your unconscious cannot think about not thinking about something without thinking about it.

Quick, whatever you do, do NOT think of a blue tree…

What are you doing? I said NOT to think about it. Why are you still thinking about it?

This is exactly what goes on inside your mind when you focus on NOT being lonely or heartbroken–all you are really doing is focusing on exactly what you don’t want to be focusing on! Which is why the more you can align your focus with what you DO want, the easier time you will have actually getting what you want.

So, take a look at your values list. Are you motivated…?

Maybe all of the above?

You may have found some items on your list that are stated as what you do not want. If that’s the case, ask yourself, “If I don’t want X, then what do I want instead?”

For example, “If I don’t want ‘bullshit,’ what do I want?”

Sometimes, even when what you wrote is stated as what you do want, there might be an  “away-from” charge behind it.

For example:

• “It’s very important that he’s honest and I can actually trust him!”
• “I want someone who has good manners and knows how to be classy.”
• “She must understand the value of making good financial choices.”

These statements all carry with them some (or a lot) of pain avoidance in them.

In fact, all of your values will probably have some percentage of both kinds of motivation, and that’s totally fine. The goal isn’t to get rid of all move-away from motivation; the goal is to make sure that there is enough toward motivation inherent in each value that your ability to enjoy that value in a relationship in “the real world” stays consistent.

Check your list and see if there are values that stand out as being very away-from motivated. These are red flags that there is some past emotional baggage that needs healing. When you heal it, you might find that that value isn’t as important in your hierarchy as it once seemed.

For example, someone who had a partner cheat on him, and was still hurt by it, might make this list:

1. Fidelity
2. Trust
3. Connection
4. Attraction

However, once he healed the pain of that past betrayal, he might find that his values are actually more like this:

1. Connection
2. Attraction
3. Trust
4. Fidelity

Remember, the order of your values in your hierarchy dramatically affects your results! So this might look like a small change on paper, but it creates big changes in real life.

Carrying around emotional baggage can skew your ability to properly understand which values are actually the most important to you in the long run. Which in turn can skew your ability to attract the kind of relationship that would actually make you the most happy and fulfilled.

Getting to the bottom of what’s motivating you isn’t always easy, because sometimes these emotions are very deep, so be patient with yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help (you can always email me at Liz@ArtofFlirting.com if you’d like to know more about how I walk my clients through this process step-by-step).

It’s not just important to understand what your relationship values are; it’s also important to understand where those values come from. Are they really your values? Or did they maybe come from somewhere else, like parents or school or peers, and they don’t really align with who you are? Are they an abreaction to some past pain? Take time now to examine your values list and see what’s really important to you in a relationship.

This question is much, much more important than you may realize.

When I speak of values, I don’t necessarily mean morals or ethics (although those are important too!). Your values are what’s important to you. Your values are deeply unconscious and running all the time in the background, largely determining the decisions you make.

We are motivated and make decisions based on our values. Carl Jung theorized that we get into relationships with our unconscious mind–meaning, that if you are continually attracting a type you don’t want, it’s because they are in line with some of your unconscious values.

For example, when I was younger, I ran the same pattern over and over again: I had a pretty easy time meeting and dating men, but none of them wanted to stick around for very long. Also, those relationship were fraught with inconsistency and drama. I kept asking, “Why does this keep happening to me?”

Then one day I sat down and wrote out my relationship values. The list read something like this: passion, variety, freedom, independence, excitement, spice…

Turns out what I was creating in my dating life was pretty much exactly in line with my values!

If you have ever struggled with:

• Unsuccessfully trying to break negative relationship patterns

• Attracting the “wrong” kind of people

• Resolving relationship conflicts without a lot of grief or drama

Then you will want to take this time to examine your relationship values, because they are playing a major part in all of that.

Also, have you ever heard of “irreconcilable differences”? This is often what people cite as the reason for getting divorced. Well, irreconcilable differences are actually two people trying to make a relationship work when they have a different set of relationship values. When this is the case in a relationship, no amount of effective communication will resolve the conflicts.  So knowing your values before you get into a relationship can save you a lot of struggle and heartache.

What are values? Simply put, your values are what’s important to you. You have values for all areas of your life: career, health, relationships, family, spirituality, you name it.

Your values are personal. What you value in a relationship might be different than what someone else values. That doesn’t make one person right or wrong. This is also why it drives me a little nuts when I hear people dole out advice about how a relationship *should* be, because in most cases, even though they think they are speaking generally, they are really only expressing their own personal values.

I believe there is no such thing as right or wrong in relationships; there is only unhappy or happy. If you find a relationship that meets your values, then you will likely be happy in it!

So how do you discover your relationship values? Ask yourself, “What’s important to me in a relationship?”

List everything that comes to mind. Your answers will likely be one word or a short phrase. For example, “trust,” “connection,” “we see eye to eye.”

Give yourself plenty of time to relax, take deep breaths, and really list everything out.

After you’ve done that, the next step is to list them in a hierarchy from most important to least important.

Why a hierarchy? Because this is where you will really get some insight into what’s been going on with you.

Your values are something that you go after in order of importance, and you will “sacrifice” one for another one that’s higher on your list of priorities.

For example, let’s say someone has a values list that looks like this:

1. Trust
2. Fidelity
3. Honesty
4. Good sex

…and so on.

Another person has this list:

1. Good sex
2. Fidelity
3. Trust
4. Honesty

…and so on.

Even though they share the same values, they might make very different decisions based on the order of importance. If, for example, they found out that someone that they were having really good sex with was cheating on them, person #1 would probably leave, but person #2 might stay.

Let’s look at another example:

Person A:

1. Good communication
2. Honesty
3. Growth
4. Peacefulness

vs.

Person B:

1. Peacefulness
2. Good communication
3. Honesty
4. Growth

While both value communication and growth, Person A is probably a lot more willing to maintain those things even when it’s NOT so peaceful, whereas Person B might sacrifice an opportunity for honest communication if it will keep the peace.

Here’s one more example: I worked with a client who would constantly end up in the friend zone. When we elicited his relationship values, guess what was at the top of his list? Friendship!

How does your values hierarchy affect your dating life? And, do your current relationship values reflect the achievement of your relationship goals?

If they don’t, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your values. Although values do naturally change as we grow, and especially as we let go of any past baggage, many times, it is simply what the value means to us that shifts to better support us when it comes to achieving what we want.

For example, I still very much value passion, variety, freedom, independence, excitement, and spice in relationships. However, I used to have a belief (that came largely from watching how my parents handled their divorce) that you couldn’t have those things if you were “tied down” in a relationship. Once I realized that wasn’t the case, I was able to find a fulfilling, committed relationship that includes everything that is important to me–everything that I used to seek through creating drama with lots of different men.

Remember, your values are what’s important to you, so it’s important to know what they are so you can have them work for you (instead of against you) when it comes to finding a happy relationship.

I recently interviewed Health Coach Jason Moore about how to get in control of your health!

Topics include:

• Why getting in control of your health will instantly make you sexier–before you even notice any physical changes in your body!
• How to maintain healthy eating while enjoying an active social life
• 4 simple habits you can start today that will radically change your health for the better

You can find the interview here: Jason Moore Interview

Jason Moore, alongside his wife Nandi, is the co-founder of Vital Life Academy and the creator of The Blueprint For Vital Living. Together, they help people who are secretly struggling in their personal health and fitness because they’re overwhelmed by too much conflicting information, too many strategies to choose from, and too much complexity and they feel like they have to go extremes and give up everything they live to drink, eat, and do in order to get healthy, fit and maintain it, which is in total opposition to the great quality of life and joy of living they want to experience and negatively effecting their ability to relate to others while hurting their performance and productivity in life. Jason and Nandi help cut through the bullsh*t, resolve the conflicts, simplify the complexity, and help their clients produce REAL results through a balanced middle of the road approach, free of unnecessary and extreme sacrifices, that leads to your BEST and HIGHEST self – physically, mentally, emotionally and expressed in relationships, career, and life. Find them online at www.VitalLifeAcademy.com and apply for a FREE Vital Life Assessment & Strategy Session.

Not only is this a cliche, it’s pretty much useless advice on its own. However, it is also completely true.

Confidence is absolutely necessary if you are going to be successful with flirting–and anything else, actually. If someone is struggling to accomplish something, chances are it’s because of a lack of confidence. That’s why so much of self-improvement focuses on confidence building–it is the foundation to success.

The problem with confidence is: where do you get it? I’ve never seen confidence for sale in the supermarket. You can’t order “confidence” on Amazon.

No, confidence comes from within. Confidence comes from a belief in yourself and your abilities.

But, how exactly does one dig down and find a belief in themselves if they haven’t been successful yet, or worse, if they’ve done really badly in the past? Why on earth would this time be different?

Personally I think that “keeping up a positive attitude” without progress, or positive results, is silly. I think that if you have struggled at something for a long time, you probably should have some healthy skepticism about whether or not what you’re doing is working, or if you need to do something different.

This is where competence, or actual skill level, comes in. Confidence and competence are not the same thing, but they are related, and they feed into each other.

Many people who preach confidence don’t really understand that competence is also just as important. Competence has to do with how well you perform a certain task or skill. Flirting is a skill, and one can either be competent in it, or not.

The first thing you have to do is let go of your baggage. When I work with private clients, I first focus heavily on building confidence by having my clients let go of emotional baggage and limiting beliefs using any techniques necessary (Hypnosis, NLP, MER (Mental Emotional Release Techniques) Etc.) The result is that some clients go out and start flirting with success (because they already knew how to flirt, they just didn’t have the confidence to go out and use the skill). Others don’t, because they still don’t have the skill of flirting. Confidence is not some magic cure-all that makes you able to conquer the world and do anything you set your mind to. It is the mindset you need to become competent in something.

When you are learning a new skill, you will need to go through the learning process. All of the confidence in the world will not allow you to skip the steps necessary to learn whatever it is you’re trying to learn. (Lacking confidence, however, will severely slow down the learning process, if not halt it altogether).

Confidence and competence go hand in hand, and it’s a chicken and egg situation. Confidence greases the wheels to gain competence, and gaining competence expands confidence.

Let’s take a skill like tennis, for example. If someone doesn’t know how to play tennis, they lack competence. They MIGHT also lack confidence.

Or, they might swing the racket around wildly going, “Yeah baby, look at me! I’m fucking awesome!” This is confidence without competence.

Another player might not be very confident about their ability to serve the ball until they have successfully served it (competence). Then they say, “Look, I can do it!”

However, if someone walks onto the tennis court with the belief of “I could never learn to play tennis, I’m not strong enough” then they will not gain confidence, even as they gain competence. They will say, no I messed up that last rally. I still suck at this. And so on.

Flirting, dating, and being in a relationship are all skill sets, just like playing tennis is. Here are 3 techniques to help you build your confidence–and your competence–so that they work together to make you successful.

Confidence/Competence Building Technique #1: Separate Achievement from Self-Worth

There’s you as a person. Then there’s your skills, abilities, and achievements. Many of us, since childhood, have learned to equate the two. Parents and teachers rewarded us for achieving, and called us “good” when we did. We were also teased and excluded when we were not good at something, making us feel bad. Eventually, most of us grow up with our self worth about who we are deeply woven together with what we are able to do.

You are good, even if you don’t do anything to “earn” that goodness. This is a big concept, and one that pisses lots of people off. It pisses me off sometimes too, even though I know it’s true.

Once you embrace your inherent goodness, then the pressure is off, and the question becomes, what do you want to do now? What do you wish to learn, to become competent in?

You will find that you are confident in your ability to do some things and not others. I am confident in my ability to cook, to paint, and to flirt. I am not confident in my ability to run a mile in 5 minutes (although I can walk a mean 30-minute mile–yeah!).

It’s very liberating when you realize that none of these skills are a measurement of your worthiness as a being.

Confidence/Competence Building Technique #2: Measure Your Progress

Most people question their ability to do something when they don’t have any kind of feedback. Am I really good at this? they wonder. What if I actually really suck at this, but no one will tell me to my face? How embarrassing!

Luckily, most skills that you can learn have built in measurement systems, and for the ones that don’t, you can make one up for yourself (any standard, used consistently, can measure progress).

When you measure your progress, you can become confident in your ability to assess your ability (got that?). That means that even if you are currently measuring at a 2 out of a possible 100 (100 being the best), you can confidently state, “Yea, I’m at a level 2 right now.” Owning the fact that you are a beginner brings with it its own sense of pride.

Also, measuring your progress will help keep you motivated. I used to hate going to the gym. Now I love it. The difference? Tracking my progress. When I see that I am actually getting stronger, I get excited, and then I want to go back and do more.

What about flirting and dating? How do you measure those things? Like I said, you can make up your own standards–as long as you stick with the same system throughout, you will be accurately measuring your progress. Here are some of the common “measurement tools” I’ve used, and my clients have used:

• How many people I flirt with
• How many flirt back
• How well I handle rejection
• How many phone numbers I get
• How many dates I go on
• How many 2nd dates I go on
• How many people want to be ‘just friends’
• How many people I have sex with
• How many people want to become exclusive with me
• How many fights we have (in a relationship)
• How quickly fights get resolved
• How much sex we have (in a relationship)

It might sound cheesy, but tracking this stuff can really help take a lot of guesswork and wondering out of how well your dating life is going. It will also help you see where you might need to improve.

Confidence/Competence Building Technique #3: Small Wins

Remember that learning is a process, and you can’t expect to go from beginner to pro overnight. Learning flirting techniques will not make you an instant Lothario or seductress; you need to practice, practice, practice.

Once you have your measurement scale in place, set yourself up for small wins. These are small successes that can boost your confidence, and grow your competence, step by step.

Think about where you get stuck in flirting, or in dating, and focus on getting over just that one hurdle. If you are shy to talk to people, then making your goal to seduce, take home, and get a future date with someone is too much. Make it your goal just to say hello to 3 people. That is progress, even if those hello’s don’t go anywhere else.

Then once you get confident in your ability to start conversations, then you move on to the next step…and so on.

When you have your ability to gain competency and your confidence levels feeding each other, you will not only be making consistent progress towards results, you will feel good doing so!

This used to happen to me a lot! I’m not proud of this, but when I was younger, I was a magnet for unavailable men. They flirted with me, and sometimes they even cheated with me. They took me out, blew off their girlfriends to spend time with me instead, heavily flirted and sometimes outright professed their attraction. They expressed how much more passionate, smart, interesting, exciting, and/or sexy I was than their woman.

But did they ever leave their woman for me? No. Not once.

This is a frustrating experience when you’re single, especially when you really fall for that person and they make it seem like they might fall for you, too.

I recently received this question by email:

“Why would a woman flirt hard with me, and never express that she has a boyfriend? Even today, she claimed she stayed out late with “friends” last night, never expressing the fact that she has a boyfriend. Am I plan B, if the current boyfriend doesn’t pan out?”
–Mark

Then a couple of days later, one of my clients ran into a similar situation with a woman he works with, so I figured it was time to address this topic.

Understanding why someone is flirting with you, when they are with someone else, can help you avoid wasting time and getting your heart broken. Sometimes flirting is harmless, but more often than not, flirting with folks who are taken can distract you from finding your own partner(s). In my experience, flirting with a taken person is pretty much guaranteed to keep you unfulfilled, for as long as you keep doing it.

Here are some of the common reasons why people in relationships flirt with others:

1. They See It As Harmless Fun
Flirting is (supposed to be) fun, and some couples don’t think it’s a big deal if they go out and have some harmless fun by flirting with others. The rules of every relationship are different. Some people are polyamorous, some couples are allowed to kiss others, but not have sex with others. Some couples think that flirting is fine as long as it doesn’t “go anywhere.” Don’t assume that the flirting is going on behind their partner’s back or that it means that they’re in a bad relationship. People in relationships sometimes agree that flirting with others “for sport” is perfectly ok.

Most people in healthy relationships, where the couple has agreed that flirting outside of the relationship is ok, will not carry on past a one time interaction. So don’t get too attached too quickly. Enjoy the play and fun of flirting–it’s good practice and the stakes are low.

2. They Want to Know That They “Still Got It”
Flirting is a skill, and while the mechanics of flirting are basically the same even once you’re together, you’re still working out slightly a different skill set flirting with strangers than you are with your long-term partner. Sometimes people just need to feel reassured that they still have the ability to attract new potential lovers, even if they have no intention of actually loving up anyone other than their significant other.

3. It’s How They’re Used To Getting What They Want
When people are single, they can flirt with anyone they care to, and are sometimes rewarded with attention, compliments, favors and free drinks as a result. Then they get into a relationship, and suddenly they realize they don’t know how to get all those perks another way.

This “How I Met Your Mother” clip sums this up nicely:

4. They’re Unhappy in Their Relationship
Most of the time, people in relationships will flirt with others because they aren’t totally happy in their relationship. That doesn’t mean you are plan B, or that they will break up. It doesn’t even mean it’s a terrible relationship. It simply means that something from their relationship is missing, and they are looking to an outside source (you) to complete it. This is the most common factor when it comes to someone who continuously leads you on.

It’s like they have a list of ingredients for a recipe, and that recipe is “total relationship fulfillment.” Their partner almost completes that list, but doesn’t supply absolutely everything on it. If you are there to supply the remaining few ingredients, then you are fulfilling their needs, which is why they will keep coming back and leading you on, as long as you let them.

In most cases (this was certainly true for me), the missing ingredient that you supply by flirting with them, and letting them flirting with you, is polarity. When I look back on the men that kept me around “on the side,” they all praised me for my sexiness, passion, excitement, and how I “challenged them” in ways that their girlfriends did not. These words all relate to what polarity feels like.

What did I get out of it? Many of these men became my pretend partners, my +1 to everything, and even my shoulder to cry on when I had a rough day. So they got their dose of polarity, and I got a dose of “boyfriend” energy. It was symbiotic, even if it wasn’t the most emotionally healthy or mature thing to do.

Sometimes when people flirt with others because they are unhappy with their current partners, they then feel ashamed about it, and don’t want to flirt the next time. They might even blame you. I have a friend who flirted with a woman one day, she flirted right back, and then the next time she saw him, she coldly accused him of trying to hit on her when he knew she was taken. This is really common, because people who are getting “missing ingredients” outside of a relationship tend to feel guilty about it, and they might project that guilt onto you.

The more that you grow yourself into an awesomely, authentically attractive person, the more that you will probably meet other people who will want to use you in this way–for an extra dose of whatever is missing in their relationship. (Remember, they are likely doing this unconsciously, so no need to make accusations–that will probably just get awkward). Do not let them take advantage of you in this way. This is part of good boundary setting.

You are not the solution to their relationship problems. Whatever is going on with them and their relationship is their problem. Maybe they will figure it out, maybe they won’t, but either way, your sexual energy needs to be reserved for finding (and keeping) your ideal partner, one who is available for you and ready for you like you are ready for them.

5. They Really Do Want to Be In a Relationship With You Instead
Don’t get too excited. The statistics are NOT in your favor on this one. But since it’s possible to meet your perfect match while you’re dating someone else, I will mention it…

And then I will say this: If you are the third person in a triangle, the only way to change that is to move out of the triangle–and move on.

As long as you hang around, supplying the other person with their “missing ingredients,” they will be quite comfortable. If you move on, and you are really are what they want, then they will follow you.

Again, this is not likely. Even if their current relationship is really, really, shitty. So have hope, but don’t put your eggs all in one basket. If the two of you really are meant to be together, they will realize that a lot quicker if you move on and start dating other people. And if they don’t, great, now you’ve moved on and started dating other people.
Either way, the only way to have things play out in your favor is to move on.

Personally, (and I realize that everyone has differing opinions on this), I don’t think that people in relationships should be carrying on flirtations outside of that relationship, unless both people in the relationship have agreed that it’s ok. Remember, flirting is creating attraction, creating sexual energy. If you wouldn’t do sexual acts with someone else behind your partner’s back, then you shouldn’t be actively generating sexual feelings with someone else behind their back either. I realize that sometimes you catch the eye of a beautiful stranger and can’t help but feel a little turned on, and that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about knowingly participating in a flirtation with someone other than your partner, because this is usually a symptom of something that needs to be dealt with in the relationship.

And, if you’re single and constantly being flirted with by unavailable people? Ultimately, why someone’s flirting with you when they’re taken doesn’t really matter; what matters is how you respond to it. Taken people can become great friends (and maybe they have a single friend they can introduce you to!). However, just like taken people should be focusing on getting all their “ingredients” from their relationship, you should be focusing on finding someone who is available to give you all of your “fulfillment ingredients” as well.

I recently interviewed Image Consultant Joui Turandot about what to wear to bring out your sexiest self!

Joui Turandot is an image and lifestyle coach and the founder of Rockstar Attraction. Using her unique combination of fashion know-how and life coaching experience, Joui helps men and women to build authentic charisma and empowered style.  Joui’s personal mission for Rockstar Attraction is to help each man uncover his own unique form of masculine expression so that he can easily attract the woman of his dreams.  Previously, Joui worked for four years designing for her own fashion label, Vagadu.  She has also been a commercial stylist for fashion shows, films, video and print.  Joui’s training and experience as a life coach comes from her ongoing work at the Authentic Man Program, where she helps men step into their masculinity.  Joui is also on the verge of launching her style school for women called BadAssBeautySchool.com

You can stream or download the interview as an MP3 here: Interview with Joui Turandot

Enjoy!

Dear Liz,

I sometimes worry that how I am won’t lead to me finding someone to build a future with. I’m quite quiet and reserved. For most of my teenage years I was very shy. I’ve come out of my shell a lot since I turned 18, but in any group I’ll always be the quiet one. I’ve come to realize that I’m quite introverted and I like spending time alone. People often say I’m too serious. When I was at university I didn’t live the stereotypical lifestyle you would associate with it. All of the drinking, general ‘laddish’ behavior and going out every night didn’t appeal to me at all. I hate nightclubs. I just carry this nagging feeling around with me that I’m different in some way and I’ll probably end up alone. I know I need to overcome these, because if I don’t love myself then somebody else won’t. How do I dispel them? I’ve been reading a lot of the stuff on your website and to be honest love just seems like a minefield that I shouldn’t touch. I know I’m sounding too pessimistic, but do women really want a quiet, bookish guy who’s a little bit of a geek?”

—A.

What I hear in this question is the deeper question of: “Will someone love me for who I am, even if who I am doesn’t fit the popular perception of ‘attractive’?

The short answer is, YES!!!!

Both men and women tend to ask this question at one point or another, whether it’s because of ‘unconventional’ looks, a quieter demeanor, demanding or odd career hours, close friends of the opposite sex, or alternative taste in books/movies/music…to name just a few reasons I’ve heard.

I have yet to meet someone who doesn’t hold some version of the insecurity “But, would anyone love the REAL me?” And yes, I’m including myself in that category.

I’m glad that you came to the insight that “if I don’t love myself, then somebody else won’t.” This actually might not be technically true–it is possible that someone else could love you even if you don’t love yourself. However, it wouldn’t do you much good, because you wouldn’t be able to experience their love for you until you love yourself, because your experience of the outside world is a reflection of the beliefs, thoughts, and emotions you hold inside.

In other words, yes, you must believe that you are loveable (dare I say ‘perfect’?), and love yourself, in order to have an experience of someone else loving you.

I do believe that society can paint a very narrow picture of what kind of person is desirable, which can feed these insecurities if you don’t fit the bill (and who does?)

I know you’re not talking about looks (I’ll address the “quiet geeky guy” thing in a moment), but there is a woman named Veronica Monet. who wrote a book about her experience as an escort called Sex Secrets of Escorts, and In this book, she reassures women that while society has one basic idea of what a “hot girl” looks like, that in fact women of all shapes, sizes, races, and amounts of body hair (seriously) were successful prostitutes. This is not because men are desperate for sex; it’s because in reality, men prefer a much wider variety of ‘types’ than society considers attractive. Many women are beautiful, and find men who think them attractive, and love them, but they might not think they are beautiful because they don’t look like a Hollywood actress. The same is true for men and looks – or anything else that doesn’t fit the description of the perfect man.

So, your particular concern is about being shy and quiet. This is a really common concern, especially among men. I can tell you that I LOVE the geeky, bookish type, and always have. That’s coming from just one woman and I know I’m not the only one

What is portrayed as attractive in the movies and in the media is incredibly narrow in comparison to what individuals are looking for, because we are individuals, and have individual desires. Besides, movies don’t exactly set us up for healthy relationships– a good movie is one that has a lot of drama. It’s easy to think that if you don’t look a certain way, or act a certain way, that you won’t measure up. Even some ‘friends’ will tell you that–heck, even some dating advice will tell you that! But it’s just not true. Your authentic self is attractive–maybe not to everyone, but to the ones that will be able to form a healthy, happy relationship with you, and YES, they exist.

Now, onto the question of quietness and shyness…

I’d like to make a distinction between ‘shy’ and the other things you mentioned. This might be an issue of semantics, but being quiet, reserved, and bookish fall into the category of personality traits. Your authentic personality traits are going to be more attractive than trying to be something you’re not.

Shyness, though, usually stems from insecurities. Again, all of this might be a semantics thing, but there is a difference between ‘being a more introverted person who prefers books and quiet activities,’ and being, ‘nervous or shy when talking to people.’ Most geeky, bookish types that I know are still comfortable carrying on conversations with people, especially other geeky, bookish types who share similar interests.

The first thing I recommend you do is take a good look at how much of this is your personality, and what part of this is insecurity (which is actually a lack of expressing your true personality). Anything that makes you feel nervous, anxious, or like you want to withdraw is probably an insecurity to resolve.

Quiet, bookish, geeky guys can be really attractive; insecure guys less so.

Also, if you are shy when talking to people, you will have a difficult time flirting with, attracting, and dating women. Not because you’re a shy person, but because dating and flirting is an interactive process, and the more you are comfortable interacting with others, the easier it will be to find women you want to date among “the masses.”

With regards to being too serious (although I have no idea if that’s actually true about you or not), most of the time when people say that what they mean is: too uptight. Being relaxed is an important part of flirting and dating. That doesn’t mean you have to become a clown or start cracking lots of jokes, but it does mean to smile, breathe, relax, and enjoy yourself–whether you are out or not.

The last term I’ll address is “introvert,” because that’s also mistaken for being quiet and shy, but being introverted is really a personality type (as indicated in the Myers-Briggs type indicator) that refers to someone who recharges his or her “energy” by being alone (as opposed to an extravert, who recharges by being social). Many introverts are totally fine and comfortable in social situations (as long as they have their alone time) just as many extraverts don’t panic when they are spending time alone. This is different than being shy or quiet. My fiancé is a mostly introverted person but when we do go out he’s usually more talkative than I am (even though I’m more extraverted). So you might be an introvert, but this should not hinder you from being social or dating successfully.

Ok, with all that defining out of the way, here’s the main thing to keep in mind: there is a really big difference between attracting “women” and attracting “the right woman/women for you.”

As a whole, loud, outgoing men probably do attract more “women” than quiet, bookish men (because they are more overtly demonstrating yang, masculine energy and testosterone). However, you probably don’t want to date any of those women. It’s not like the woman of YOUR dreams is going to pass you up for some loud-mouthed, party animal–she’s probably just as turned off by all that as you are; and she’s likely going to be very, very happy to have found you amongst all those typical “laddish” guys.

When I say “her,” I don’t mean to imply that there is only one woman that will want you while the others don’t. There are many, many women who will want you as they get to know you. They will fall in love with YOU, geekiness, bookishness, warts and all.

That is, if you give them a chance to. If you are so reserved that you hold back your true self, then these women won’t know that you are what they want. Flirting is a process of sharing yourself. This is a risk, and in taking that risk, you will have some women decide that you’re not their cup of tea. You might even have women tease you for being bookish, geeky, or too serious. Part of the art of flirting is learning to hear all of that, not as criticism, but as them simply saying, “I’m not the person you should be flirting with.” (It helps to hear that in the same voice as “These are not the droids you’re looking for”).

I feel for you, because when I hear something like “love is a minefield I shouldn’t touch,” I can tell you’ve been hurt a lot. So, my last thought will be this: take time, and do whatever you need to do, to heal this pain, and don’t try to use women as a temporary relief for it. Because the question of “would somebody love X about me?” is, at a deeper level, your unconscious mind saying, “I don’t really love X about me.” So, as cliché as it may sound, it starts with learning to love yourself, learning to believe that you are the most awesome, amazing, fantastic “quiet guy” that ever lived.

The most attractive thing is not a loud person, or an extraverted person, or a party person; it is a confident person. When you are happy with yourself, women will be drawn to you. They will see a serious, bookish, quiet man (assuming you are authentically a quieter person–I’m still not convinced ) and be drawn to you.