Lately I’ve been getting emails with the question of how to handle rejection. Specifically, “How can you handle rejection without losing confidence?”
I should probably start by saying that there is no technique, no line, and no magic bullet that will eliminate the possibility of someone turning you down. No matter how good, successful, and sexy you are, you can’t “make” other people want you.
However, you can learn to flirt in a way that makes it a lot more likely that they will be interested. Granted, that’s not the same thing as being able to control the way people react to you, but why would you do that anyway? If you were truly controlling other people, you’d never know if they actually wanted to be with you.
Believe it or not, you are fully capable of handling rejection well–meaning gracefully, and in a way that doesn’t shake your sense of confidence or self worth.
How?
It all comes down to knowing how to take feedback.
There’s no such thing as failure; there is only feedback. If someone says, “Yes, I’d like to go on a date,” then that’s feedback. If someone says, “No thanks, I’m not interested,” that’s feedback. If someone says, “I want you to f*ck me right now!” That’s feedback.
Feedback is data. Data only tells you what you are doing well and what you need to improve.
Any other meaning you attach to data (such as, “I can’t get a date, so that must mean I’m a loser…”) is an insecurity, and not any more or less realistic than drawing the conclusion “I can’t get a date, so that must mean aliens have invaded and put some kind of force field around me.” Attaching any meaning to data other than, “I need to figure out what’s causing this and either keep doing it to keep getting these results, or change something to get different results” is, at best, a waste of time, and at worst, a great way to create new insecurities that will further hinder your progress.
So let’s talk about how to interpret dating data. 
One person’s reaction is not enough data to worry about. So often I hear stories from clients where they are obsessing over what happened with one person–what that one person said or did–in a rejection situation.
Don’t focus on one person’s reaction to your attempts to flirt with them. You never know what someone is going through. They could be in a relationship already. They could be having a bad day. They could be massively insecure and/or clueless that you are even interested.
Here’s a personal example:
About 5 years ago, I went on a date with an awesome guy. We had dinner, connected, and had a hot kiss goodnight before I drove home. When I got home, I plugged in my phone (which had lost battery power during the date) and got several messages from family members informing me that my older brother had been killed in a sailing accident. My whole world stopped. I flew home to be with my family and I never returned that guy’s calls because I was too devastated by what happened to even think about dating.
I actually ran into that guy several months later at an event and told him what happened. He responded with sympathies and, “…You know, I spent several days trying to figure out what I’d done wrong!”
Ok, so this is a more extreme example than will usually be the case, but you get the point. You really never know what is going on with someone else, and it’s not useful to sit around analyzing every little interaction. Give that person the benefit of a doubt, and move on with your life.
Alright, ready for the useful data?
The useful data is in recognizing patterns. If one or two people aren’t interested, or don’t call you back? Let it go. It probably has way more to do with their “stuff” than it has to do with you.
A pattern is something that happens consistently, and it happens more often than not.
If you notice a pattern in your dating life, then that’s something to pay attention to. But it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you! A pattern that isn’t giving you the results you want means there is something to learn. That’s it. Don’t attribute any more meaning to it other than, “There’s something for me to learn, and I’m going to figure that out!”
What inspired me to work with a dating coach was being stuck in a negative pattern. My pattern was that I would date someone for about a month and he would be really interested in me–pursuing me constantly, taking me out on dates, giving flowers and gifts, and talking about how he’s “never felt this way.”
Then a month later he would suddenly say, “I’m not ready for a girlfriend” and stop calling me.
I spent years taking this personally and thinking there was something wrong with me. I was worried that I would be alone for the rest of my life because no one would stick around past the first month. But after I started to look into how I was creating the pattern, I was able to fix it. Turns out there were a few behaviors to change–and A LOT of insecurities to let go of! Once I did that, this pattern never happened to me again.
Here are some examples of patterns that I’ve heard clients describe:
- Have an easy time making friends, but no one they meet is interested in more
- Rarely or never meeting anyone interesting, or that they have “chemistry” with
- Really great first interaction; then they never return any calls or messages
- Can’t get past the 2nd date
- Everyone they meet is too busy to schedule a date
- Always attracting the “wrong” kind of people/ Not meeting the kind of person they want to be with
- Seems great for the first few months; then the other person shows their “true colors.”
None of the people who were stuck in these patterns had something “wrong” with them. In fact, most of them were kind, interesting, good-looking, and professionally and emotionally stable. Even awesome people stay single.
Any pattern that you’re stuck in can be changed by you deciding to change it. Again, if you don’t like where you’re at in dating, all that means is there is something new to learn. For example, learning to flirt can break almost every pattern listed above. Learning about where your own insecurities come from can help you let them go.
Learning to take feedback and learn from it will allow you to handle rejection without losing your sense of self-worth. Apply the belief that, “There’s no such thing as failure; there is only feedback.” and notice how your life changes. Even if you don’t 100% believe it, try it on for a week, and notice how empowered you feel. Notice how others respond to you. Notice how others are more attracted to you when you base your self-worth on yourself, rather than on other peoples’ shallow opinions of you.
Try on this belief, and let me know how it works out for you! Leave your feedback in the comments. 
This is so awesome! Not only is their no failure, there’s also no “success”. A big promotion will not make you “better” than you are. Just as losing your job does not make you “worse” than you are. In the end, It’s all just feedback, is it feedback you like or dislike? If you dislike it, change it, if you like it, keep doing it! When you boil things down this way, life becomes really simple. It’s not easy, but it is simple.
Keep being awesome Liz!
Hi Liz,
I’ve even had to adopt something a bit more existential and abstract, as in, “I’m still alive, I haven’t been hit by a bus or crushed by a brick falling from the sky, so there must be some reason I’m here”
in terms of discovering self-value.
it hasn’t changed anything in terms of attracting women, but at least it’s a step.
This is great advice! Its so much easier to “see” what is going on from an outside prespective and your advice/info is right on target for me and my dating life right now.
thanks!
Liz,
Ahhh yes, the fragile Male Ego. It is very prone to injury by the opposite sex. Especially when you entrust your feelings to a very beautiful woman! Dealing with setbacks and disappointment is part of the territory but takes practice to overcome. Its easy to just say get over it but, sometimes the rejection can be right on target. Thats why we as men should be on a quest for self improvement. Like archery, practice makes perfect. Sooner or later we are going to hit the bullseye. As you get better at rerading women and, more importantly yourself, you won’t let the small rejections get to you as much. Rejection svcks for everyone but becoming stronger and bringing about change in your own behavior can be key to overcoming it. Thanks again for the great writting. Rx
Hi Liz,
Another point of frustration also, is sure, ok let’s say we are able to take it as “feedback” and not “failure” the problem is, rarely is that feedback meaningful. Usually it comes in the form of someone NOT doing something (rather than doing something) ie. girl DOESNT call back, or DOESNT show up, etc…
If any feedback is given at all, it’s usually in the form of , “I want to focus on career right now” or “I just want to be friends” or something of that sort.
Even if it’s feedback, how are we supposed to act on it?
incidentally though, I think thats how most of life works. everyone wants you to just succeed, no one wants to tell you how.