Because many of my flirting techniques apply to in-person interactions, people often ask what to do when it comes to online dating.
Online dating has its disadvantages when it comes to flirting, because it is much easier to build attraction when you are in the same room where you can use your body language as well as your words. Also, pheromones, which are involved in sexual attraction, apparently don’t travel through the internet. 
That being said, there are huge advantages to online dating! For example, the convenience, and the opportunity to meet lots of people that you wouldn’t otherwise.
Many people waste time and money on online dating sites because they don’t realize that flirting online is actually very similar to flirting in person. They treat online dating like it’s online shopping. Some believe that you can just browse through people the way you browse through books on Amazon.
When it comes to online flirting, the most important thing to remember is that there is another person on the other end. You still need to have a conversation to get them interested.
With that in mind, here are the 4 most common types of online dating emails that will kill attraction instantly:
1. The “All About Me” Form Letter
How this kind of email reads:
“Hi, my name is Bob, I like fishing, movies, and fishing movies. I’m goal-oriented, driven, ambitious, and a whole other list of adjectives. If this sounds interesting to you, please reply.”
What this actually comes across as:
“Hi, my name is Bob, and, with modern copy-paste technology, I am able to send this email out to 50 women every day. You are one of them, and in no way more special or interesting than the others. I’m just fishing.”
The form letter turns the dating process into a job interview, with the hopes that potential “bosses” will “hire” them for the job of boyfriend or girlfriend. But people are not interested in dating resumes; they are interested in making connections.
Yes, dating to find the right person can be a numbers game, but you still need to make your interactions personal enough to know if that person is right for you.
2. The Fake-Casual Complaint
How this kind of email reads:
“Hi, my name is Betty-Sue and I don’t really know what I’m doing here, but I thought I’d give this online dating this a try since everyone else is doing it. And, well, it seems really impersonal, but you seemed interesting, so I figured I’d just try writing you. Who knows, maybe this whole online dating thing actually works after all.”
What this actually comes across as:
“I’m really embarrassed that I haven’t been able to meet someone without doing this, and this is a last resort. I kind of hate myself because of this, but if you will love me, or like me, or at the very least respond to my message, maybe you can make me feel better and erase some of the loneliness I feel.”
If you don’t really want to do online dating, then don’t. But if you’re going to do online dating, get congruent and excited about all of the opportunities it offers you!
3. The “Impress Me” Challenge
How this kind of email reads:
“Came across your profile and you seem cool. So tell me, what sets you apart from all the other chicks/dudes on this site?”
What this actually comes across as:
“Even though I contacted you first, I am playing hard to get. Chances are I’ve either read some (bad) dating advice on how to play hard to get, or I’m just naturally the kind of person who plays emotionally manipulative games. Either way, I lack the ability to connect with you as a human being.”
Hopefully you aren’t writing this kind of thing! But since I’ve received it before, I figured it was worth addressing.
If you contact someone first, you have already picked them out of the crowd. Own that. Don’t try to set it up like they are the ones wooing you. This is the kind of “seduction technique” that drives me up the wall (not in a good way). Those who love drama might fall for it, but those who are looking for a real connection will look elsewhere.
4. The Too-Soon Invitation
How this kind of email reads:
“Hi, I saw in your profile that you like wine. Me too! There’s this great wine bar over on X street near the Y mall, do you know the one? Have you ever been there?
If not, I’d love to take you there sometime for a glass of wine. Call me at 123-456-7890”
What this actually comes across as:
“I have put forth minimal effort by emailing you. Now I expect you to put forth much more effort in calling me, even though you don’t know me, because I took the time to write a ‘personal’ message.”
What to do instead? Try sending an email that starts a conversation–the kind of conversation that people have in real life. The litmus test is that if it would sound stupid at an in-person single’s party, it’s going to sound stupid by email.
A good example starting a real conversation can be similar to that email, minus the last part:
“Hi, I saw in your profile that you like wine. Me too! There’s this great wine bar over on X street near the Y mall, do you know the one? Have you ever been there? What wine bars do you like?”
That’s it. Now it’s their turn to respond. Do you see how this starts a conversation? Many times people don’t respond to messages on online dating sites because there is no real invitation to respond. Even if someone is interested in your profile, they are not very likely to respond if they don’t know what to say.
In fact, when I was single and doing online dating, there were times when I had written to men first because I thought their pictures were hot and their profiles were interesting. However, when they responded with one of the above emails instead of engaging in a real conversation, it didn’t take long to hit delete.
On the other hand, I ALWAYS responded to open-ended conversational questions, even if I wasn’t immediately attracted to their profile picture. Why? Because I figured as long as they were willing to have a real conversation, I might as well participate because *you never know.*
Online dating is still dating. Don’t let the computer and the keys fool you into thinking you can take short cuts. You still want to take the time to flirt and get to know someone if it’s going to work.
I don’t know if you mind people suggesting dating websites here, but there’s one called “howaboutwe.com” that has people suggest date ideas, that way you could start off discussing a topic (or even search for women interested in what you’re interested in)
I think my issue with online dating is that it’s far too looks-centric.
Thanks…
There are no failures – just experiences and your reactions to them…
[...] Flirting is inferential communication, it is conveyed and understood through means other than direct speech. These means include physiology (body language), voice tone and inflection, and non-direct verbal cues. Body language–the way you position and move your body–accounts for more than 50% of emotional and inferential communication. That means that when you’re flirting, you’re mostly doing it with your body! (This, by the way, is one of the main disadvantages of online dating). [...]